With a heavy heart
Sunday, June 1, 2014 || 7:22 PM
If you're reading this, thank you. I'd just like you to know that I've moved to Wordpress after a good seven years here.
Why I want to be a doctor
Wednesday, April 30, 2014 || 9:59 PM
'I want to help people.' has got to be the most conventional answer to this almost impossible question to answer. It is not a one-line reply that you can casually provide when people ask you questions like 'How are you doing?' and 'What have you been up to lately?' because as little as it means to people who attempt to examine the depth of you as a future healthcare professional, it means the world to you to be able to chain these scattered thoughts into words of worth.
'I want to help people.' Curiosity will not halt harsh questions, unfortunately. How would you help people? What makes you think you can do that? Do you really have what it takes? What if you cause harm to your patients instead? Why you, not others? This is when my self esteem goes down to the base of hell, as low as I can imagine. But within a second, I come back up with my head held high and confidence rising with adrenaline because deep down, I am a person who likes challenges and adores the triumph when problems are resolved with my capability. Before all that though, I am a person of conscience. I am against injustice and favouritism and prejudice of all kind because I don't believe in being judgmental at first sight, which is so depressingly common these days. Kids judge people by their looks, what they own, the people they mix with, everything but their hidden personalities, which are not explored and often overlooked just because they seem uncool upon scrutiny. I loathe how the society works nowadays. To be relevant to this very country we're born and raised in, I dislike how privileges are unconditionally given to the undeserving lot, while the helpless continues to deteriorate from their unfortunate background, just because this portion of the society is not subjected to priorities. My wish is to witness the opposite, where the gap between classes of the community is diminished. Even if that is not achievable within such a limited duration, at least people are treated equally, regardless of status of health and wealth.
'I want to help people.' How would I do that? I don't only want to graduate from med school, though that already feels overwhelming, as I can foresee hurdles and hurdles of adversities as I go by. To add on to that, I am only a first year medical student wanting so badly to pass through to my second year, yet I ambition higher than the norm. I really can't tell you if I can reach my own expectations, but what I can firmly say is that I will give my very best towards my goal: to graduate as a doctor with competence, and reputation. People either warn me against taking medicine as a degree, because of various superficial reasons like I'm a girl/ I need a life/ it's just not necessary to take on such heavy workload, all of which I disagree to. They either tell me to choose an alternative path, or ponder with disbelief that I have no other interest than this. And it's true. I love learning biology (now it's anatomy and physiology) and discovering communications skills I haven't thought of/ ever come across. I like how what I'm learning now is mostly relevant to my future career (hopefully) as compared to days when I was obliged to learn to calculate the acceleration of a free falling steel ball or how the Islamic religion spread came about or the Indian society hierarchy, though I have to admit those contribute to my scarce general knowledge.
'I want to help people.' Who do I really want to help? I want to help the needy, the helpless, the penniless, the unfortunate, the ill. I want to help people who seek fairness and equal treatment, I want to help people to improve their quality of life. All of this sounds so ambitious even to myself, but that's what I want to see in my future self, and of course, there's a lot of polishing to do because I'm nowhere near that. I want to be able to sacrifice my personal life to contribute to the lives of others, which are no less precious. I want to save one life after another because I know the feeling of being heartbroken when disasters sweep lives away just like that, snatching them from their loved ones in a cruel instance. Every single person matters, as individuals, not as a big picture. I have been seeing my dad leave lunches and dinners and rush to the hospital when his patients are in critical conditions and I secretly admire his commitment. I like how I'm on this side of the story, knowing for sure that his patients are in good hands because of his passion and undeniable intelligence (as opposed to me, hah). I like the fact that there is no conspiracy in his handling of patients and that he's practising as a doctor as stated in the oath, although his patients might doubt and criticise but they can't be blamed because they won't know what I do, so they can't feel secure like I can. I am glad to have an inspiration to look up to, really.
'I want to help people.' Not because my grades/ interviews grant me admission to this course, not because I can, but that I want to. In addition to all that above, I want to see myself beyond my limits.
That feeling when
Thursday, April 10, 2014 || 11:52 PM
1. You are the only passenger in the cab and you are listening to your favourite tracks blasting hard against your ear drums. You look out the window and see beautiful greens. You see clouds hanging low amidst the hills and the breathtaking painting of nature just before your very eyes makes you feel at peace. You smile to yourself for having no worries just for a few seconds.
2. The rain has just stopped and the air is fresh and clear, just like your mind. You smell the lingering rain, and you start wondering if you can make scent up, just like how you imagine untrue things. You surprisingly smell the grass as well. You think out loud, is that fragrance from the grass fields or is that happiness from deep within yourself, unleashed?
3. You wake up on a Sunday morning knowing you have all the time in the world. You make yourself a filling breakfast and take the weekly opportunity to play Maroon 5's Sunday Morning on your car stereo while you roam around town aimlessly in your vehicle with your siblings. You talk nonsense which lights you up with people you are most comfortable with.
4. You are with a horde of strangers because you tell yourself to step out of your stupid comfort zone, always. You look at these unfamiliar faces staring back at you like reflections on a broken mirror, with expressions turned out of symmetry. Imperfections scare you so you back off, so tempted to return to your territory but no, you force yourself to stay and look from a positive perspective. There, you discover things you purposely neglected out of prejudice and you cannot help but blame yourself for closing your heart to wonderful beings.
5. You are listening to particular sentimental songs past midnight and these overwhelming feelings just come at you like gun shots, aiming especially at your heart. You feel it break into pieces of memories, bitter and sweet and you wish you could live your life all over again, so you will not make ridiculous mistakes and say hurtful things and reject good intentions curtly. All the flashbacks come swarming into your brain and you feel your legs become just a tad wobbly. You tell yourself you will not break down yet again, you are determined this time. This time, it is different.
Serendipity, at first.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014 || 11:12 PM
It's really always about endurance. Unfortunately, it's not what you're best at.
That noise comes piercing through your ear drums into the deepest of veins, threatening to burst them into flames, emptying all of you. You feel your heart inflate a little too much because rage fills you to the brim, with the desire to gush out of you if you lose control, but you don't. They walk right past you without an acknowledgement of your existence as if you are a phantom, or just someone with an invisible cloak. They laugh and laugh and the next second you see entirely different people pulling long faces at you, blaming you for breathing out loud and you sit there for the rest of the day thinking how you can make them hate you just a little less than this.
When you're given a long enough interval to solve the puzzle, you eventually get it even if you hate to reach the free fall of ending - a catastrophe which breaks your hearts into puzzle pieces, or worse. You know you can't have everything in this humble life, but this is supposed to be your fairy tale, not the biggest nightmare you've been struggling hard to avoid. You're devastated not because your story is told the exact way you loathe it to be, but this is beyond frustration that it started so beautifully, yet ends with nothing but a handful of sorrow.
Because you live.
Saturday, March 1, 2014 || 5:00 PM
I'm currently listening to the song which makes me depressed very often recently, but I'm surprisingly fine.
A month of study break flew by and stress had taken its toll on me now and then throughout that period. I felt so bad for rejecting outings and farewells when I really had to, because time was running out on me. I stayed home most of the time, but I was grateful my brother was there to keep me company. Took the train back to university and mugged for another few days before the day of OBA. It was really nice seeing people whom I haven't seen in so long, it felt really comforting getting to share thoughts with others. Oh if I haven't mentioned, I'm now a semester two med student :) Though still have to keep my fingers crossed for the results which are going to be out in three weeks or so.
I went out with fellow friends for days consecutively, mostly past midnight adventures, partly because of the juniors' orientation. The aftermath I'm suffering on my face is bad though no regrets for going out every day with pleasant peeps having great food and our share of fun :) Gonna go really briefly about what happened the past week alright!
Had an average of five/six hours of shopping every day, tried many restaurants I haven't been to, slept over at Jas's place after an extremely tiring day, went to the special needs centre for autistic kids to volunteer, gained precious experience handling children with an attention span of one second (I'm not exaggerating) and got my patience really tested but at the same time, felt more than grateful how we're capable of handling ourselves at the very least. Enjoyed the second week of orientation and my favourite was telematch because we got all dirty and sweaty covered in flour, mud, water and paint. Had the most accurate personality consultation ever with a stranger I'd just shaken hands with. After an apparent IQ test, he told me things I couldn't agree to more about myself and honestly I was in awe. Watched the Lego movie with JY and laughed so much about how it isn't our kind of movie at all. The individual lame jokes were hilarious, yes, but other than that, in my opinion, the movie should amaze kids, not adults who did the movie reviews in papers. I felt a tad deceived. Had more coffee this week than the past entire month, won a driving game at the arcade (yay), watched a ton of YouTube videos just like old times, caught up on a few episodes of AOD drama, had another sleepover at fab's place, talked and talked and talked until 3+am last night and finally, maybe, just maybe changed my perception on this person.
I'm looking forward to getting things ticked off my list and I can't wait for things to get better.
Counting stars, counting my blessings.
Friday, January 24, 2014 || 11:04 PM
I'm feeling so blessed on the last day of my first semester :') Such a good way to end this six month stretch of ups and downs.
I've already started missing the hype of entering a brand new environment and the nerves of having to meet new people at orientation. I wish to go back to the days of late night chats and laughter, extended bonding sessions at supper, spontaneous outings with the group members and being at that verge of bursting into tears knowing the surprise at the end of that compact two weeks of fun.
I had a potluck lunch today with the CF peeps! These people cook so well I'm really impressed (and maybe a tad motivated, just maybe). What's better than an afternoon of great home cooked food of diversity, really loud people and more than a handful of stories to share?
To those who are celebrating, happy advanced Chinese New Year :)
Thursday, January 2, 2014 || 12:01 AM
1. Received my AS results at college and was over the moon for the As I earned.
2. Celebrated CNY with my family :)
3. Struggled a lot with med schools applications to the UK, communicated with my school authorities more than necessary over this and saw too many mood swings in between (ugh).
4. Had my heart crushed because of the shattered dreams. Hated myself so much because I was drowning in helplessness.
5. Attended three medical interviews. First face to face interview was at Renaissance hotel with doctors from Bristol university and first online interview was in a conference room at college with Royal College of Surgeons, Ireland (RCSI). Got offered a place at said university only knowing afterwards that my parents didn't want me going overseas just yet.
6. Cried, and cried, and cried.
7. Went to my first prom with a nice date on my birthday :) I remember the night he asked me and how my girlfriends were so hyped up about it. Sang so many songs, blew so many candles and was truly blessed to have such great people in my life, really.
8. Graduated from KTJ which is my first boarding school with a heavy heart and 4A*s for that one and a half years of A levels which I was so sick of then.
9. Attended my first major concert with my sister and saw Jay Chou up close! Words couldn't describe how I felt during the concert when he sang all my favourite songs perfectly. NO FLAWS WHATSOEVER OK. Also, went to Taylor's Lakeside campus earlier in the year with Belles and Sean and my sister to listen to Jason Chen, Chester See and David Choi because these YouTubers produce my kind of music.
10. Took up piano lessons again after so long with a teacher I had my most embarrassing moment with (yet she doesn't hate me I really really wonder why) and continued my diploma during the holidays because I was too bored. I stopped playing the piano since I was in form four because I walked out on my tutor whom I dislike. I'm such a rebel.
11. Had my first internship at a local hospital at which my dad worked. Had a really great experience shadowing doctors and nurses and having the opportunity to observe procedures I haven't come across.
12. Entered IMU in August and am now a four month old medical student.
13. Ended the year with high hopes for 2014. Ups and downs, come to me.
In this ridiculous festive mood
Wednesday, December 25, 2013 || 11:08 AM
Current company: A functioning laptop playing my favourite sentimental music, adequate and mildly romantic lighting, a large table with all my little but important things all spread out as far as I can reach. What more can I ask for? :)
I've been back for five days now. I changed my highlight colours and did hair treatment at the salon because of my naturally coarse hair (hm) and had the lady who comes to the house do manicure and pedicure after what seems like ages. I love my Christmas nails! Also, finally went to the dentist and I'm going to get braces because I hate my teeth.
Drawback: I have a ton of studying to do. Yet here I am multitasking. Blogging, watching YouTube videos and just, enjoying myself wasting time away.
Have a merry Christmas, guys! (I have a feeling I'm going to do a new year resolutions post, as pointless as it might be)
Thursday, December 19, 2013 || 3:23 PM
Have a great day y'all!
Back to december
Sunday, December 1, 2013 || 10:28 PM
It's the first day of the last month of the year. Oh how time passed us by.
So, updates about university from a rough perspective. End of August, I entered IMU which is my second university option (first is Ireland) and to be frank, my experience so far has been so much better than what I imagined and anticipated. Two weeks of orientation was some crazy fun and I made new friends within that period of time: seniors, super seniors, batch mates.
I'm really glad I participated in the IMU Cup and I joined the table tennis team of Pegasus. I had my fair share of bliss knowing some really approachable seniors who so kindly asked me to join the team because they're lacking good players. I very willingly attended practices, mostly after classes or at night at campus and learned new things. I played doubles for my house and finally with great teamwork, we got bronze (which is a record for the house)! Downside: Still yet to claim my medal from the captain because I missed the closing ceremony, oh wells. I'm assuming it will find its way to me.
I got selected as one of the AMSA ambassadors of my batch. So for those of you who don't know, AMSA is the Asian Medical Students Association and I'm happy that I'm given this opportunity to get more involved in the society and expand my network, hopefully. I can't wait to get started with charity and volunteer work like during my dearly missed Interact days :)
Can't wait for Christmas! Current song: High Hopes by Kodaline.